❝ Happier ❞

Happier
(This story is based off the song Happier by Ed Sheeran. Tip: You should listen to the song and read. Click the title for a link to the song!)

Dear John,

            There were some things I never got to tell you. I think now, you should know everything; you should know every last thing I never got to tell you.

           

            His eyes were deeper than the ocean, and whereas I was afraid to drown, I got lost in the waters; In the deep blue sea in his eyes. I started out in the shallow waters, and slowly made my way into the deep end, until I was treading. It was scary, the ocean is so unknown, yet I didn’t feel so afraid. I’ve abandoned ship; I’ve given up my raft. I wanted to get lost at sea. I wanted to drown in these waters. Forsaking all my breath.

            Aquaphobia: The fear of drowning. A word that rang loudly in my ears, but meant nothing as I laid here looking into his deep blue orbs. “I love you,” three words I would never get tired of hearing. And in a voice that was deeper than his eyes, I never knew something could be so deep. Some nights he would sing me to sleep; he knew well that I had trouble sleeping and his voice was the only thing that could calm my thoughts.

            Nothing was softer than the touch of his lips on mine; a perfect mold and he fit to me like the last piece of a puzzle. He completed a picture I had spent so many years looking, and trying to complete, but that one piece was missing for so long.

            And his hair, I would never get tired of watching him push it out of his face when it got in the way. And his smile, my god, his smile. His smiled could melt my heart without a second’s thought. When his lips curled into a smile, the dimple in his cheek was prominent, you couldn’t miss it.

            I never got tired of him.

            I loved your eyes… the way they shine, and the deep blue. I loved the way you told me you love me, and it only felt real when it was with you. I never believed anybody before, but I believed you. I loved your voice, it was deep and it held so much mystery which was always so intriguing. I loved when you sang me to sleep, even when you were tired and wanted to sleep yourself. I loved the way your lips felt against mine, and I loved to play with your hair. I loved your smile. I loved every detail of who you were…

           

            “Come on,” his deep voice urging me up off the couch of which I was sitting upon. I asked him where we were going, not skeptical, but curious. “It’s a surprise,” was all he said and it was enough for me to willingly get up and follow his lead. He was full of surprises, and there was never a hint of boredom in this love.

            I followed him out the door, and to his truck. His truck was the second most important thing in his life, right after me, as he liked to say. We drove with the windows down that night, it was beautiful and though it messed up my hair, I didn’t care. I liked the way it blew all my cares away, and sent goosebumps up my arm. The two of us said nothing as the music played in the background, peacefully. The same music that made us fall in love in the first place. The music was how it all started.

            I met him at a concert, he told me he liked the way I moved to the music and sang along as if anybody could hear. No one could, the music was too loud and the band on stage was all anybody cared about. Except him, he was watching me. I always loved the way he looked at me            Soon enough we had arrived at an open field, and he got out and went to the back and grabbed a blanket. Without any question, I followed behind him, into the field of grass and wild flowers. He picked a spot in the middle, or what he had thought was the middle of the vast field. He laid the blanket down and we laid down beside one another.

            “I know how much you love the stars,” he said to me, his blue eyes meeting mine and I didn’t think there could ever be more love in his eyes than I had seen in that moment. He finds more ways for me to fall in love with him every day.

            The stars were my little piece of heaven that I could see from earth. They meant more to me than I think anybody could ever realize. I know he didn’t realize it, or even understand it. But he never cared much, he let me talk about them anyway, as if he knew and as if he understood. So we laid there and I told him all the things I loved about the stars, and he just listened.

            I miss the way you let me tell you all about the things I love; Like the stars and all the songs which held so much meaning to me. The ones that created stories in my head. I know you couldn’t see them like I did, but you pretended. You listened. And I miss that. I miss the way we could just listen to music and sing along and be happy with just that. I miss when we danced around the room like we were putting on a show for a crowd that was only in our heads. I miss the duets we used to sing, you’d take his part, and I’d take hers. Do you remember when we sang all about all of the love that was portrayed in those songs? Do you remember how we were that love?

            I know I messed up. I know I said I didn’t need you. I know I said I hate you. I know I said I was fine on my own. But I lied… I lied to you. I do need you and I’m sure as hell not fine on my own or without you. I’m sorry.

            “Jesus, get off my back!” I yelled, my words harsher than I had intended them to come out. But I didn’t care.

            “Why are you being so defensive?” He asked me, his voice was calm but the anger was definitely present in his tone.  

            “Because you never leave me alone! I have things I’d like to do on my own, without you!” I was so angry. I was so mad. There was so much aggression, from both sides but mostly from my side. “Do you understand the need for personal space,” it wasn’t a question and I laughed but it was a bitter laugh.

            He didn’t speak for several minutes, and I couldn’t yell anymore. My throat was sore and my head was hurting and my heart was breaking. He just watched me intently, and I felt so small under his intense stare. “I do everything for you, I love you unconditionally and-“

            “Do you think I need you? I don’t need you. God, I would honestly be so much happier if you were gone!”

            I could see his heart breaking with every word I threw out at him. I was angry, and I wasn’t thinking, words were just being said without any meaning at all. Yet somehow, they meant everything. He said nothing, but I wanted him to say something because the silence was even worse. “Say something!” I screamed, running my fingers through my hair. We had fought before, but never like this.

            But he just shook his head, and then he walked back into the room and collected his things. Still, no words. “I hate you!” I screamed as he walked away from me. For good. That is when the first tear fell.

            Another thing I didn’t ever tell you, that I think you should know… that fight that ended it all. That guy you asked me about, he was just a friend I hadn’t spoken to in years. He was a friend in high school, and he was only ever that. I don’t know why I got so defensive…I know it’s too late now.

            I saw you the other day, which is why I needed to write you this and tell you everything. I saw you with a girl. I didn’t pay much attention to her, because the only person I could see was you. I hadn’t seen you in a month. When I came home to find your key on the table and all your stuff gone, I knew you were gone for good and I knew you’d find someone else.

            I’m sure she’s great, and I hope she is so much better than I am because you deserve the world. I won’t take it personal, because you looked so happy. You were smiling brighter than I had ever seen you smile. I would have said hi, but you looked so happy and I didn’t want to ruin that happiness again.

            I know I hurt you, and I hurt you more than anybody ever had before. But you should know that I loved you, and I will continue to love you more than anybody else ever can. But, you look happier with her. And if she breaks your heart, just know that I’ll be here for you. I’ll always be here.

Sincerely,

Antelophobia.